We didn't want to have an April Fool's issue. We try not to dwell on negative things. So, instead of dedicating this month's ATPM to the misguided folks who have recently chosen not to buy a Mac, we're dedicating this issue in glorious anticipation of the Macintosh rejuvenation. We don't wish to be "precipitous" as our claims, but we do think "April Showers" will bring May dollars.
The "Official" ATPM Statement on Milleniumism
As highly regarded members of the Internet journalism establishment, members of the ATPM staff believe it is our 1st Amendment privilege and responsibility to speak out about matters of dire consequence and other important issues to be addressed by the people.
Quite frankly, we are very distressed by the mass paranoia concerning computer software and the coming year 2000. We've read countless articles suggesting that the world economy may be placed in jeopardy because many current software applications cannot process dates later than 12/31/99. Further, there has been much speculation that the recent appearance of the Hale-Bopp comet may be a harbinger of strange and spectacular galactic events to come.
The ATPM staff urges everyone to ignore these rumors and treat them as nothing more than the rumblings of fringe groups and disenfranchised members of our society. It is appropriate at this time that we consider the truth as it has been revealed to our sources.
The facts are as follows: There will be no year 2000 crisis. By the end of this century, it is the master plan of computer hegemonists to control all time and date functions worldwide. Rather than busy software developers with the task of developing application updates to solve the year 2000 problem, the software master controllers will simply change the recording of time. There will be no year 2000. Plans are in the works for a new version of a prominent computer OS code named "1995 plus 6." It will do many things, including resetting our clocks (critics claim it's designed to figuratively "clean our clocks.") and establishing the center of the known universe somewhere just north of Seattle. Consequently, theologians are urging buyers to be more cautious in their software purchases and they are recommending that people find alternative systems.
For the record, while many people may think we do all this for fun, the mission of the ATPM staff is to save the world and preserve history as we know it. Please do everything you can to help us promote the Macintosh mission. The world you save may be your own.
And Now A Word From Our Sponsors: " "
There's an old adage that silence is golden. But not when it comes to advertising. Between you and "we," we're looking for some Dinero to go with our Allegro. We'd like to expand ATPM's content and our worldwide readership. But before we can increase our outflow we need to do something positive for our cash inflow. We have an all-volunteer staff, so we're simply looking to shorten our "ends" or at least have them meet somewhere in the middle. We're also looking for a few (or one or two) of our readers to come forward to help us expand our advertising program. There are only two rules: Our subscriber list will never be sold, and the only thing "adult" about our stuff is that we're often up late working on our columns. Enough said.
Up, Up and Away In Our Beautiful Balloon
While many of us are learning how to use programs that render in three dimensions, we'll borrow a song from the "Fifth Dimension." It's been awhile, but we haven't heard much more from Oracle Corp.'s Larry Ellison about his "trial balloon" of an idea to buy Apple Computer. Regardless of the outcome (this is where a real Oracle would come in handy), we would like Apple's colors should continue to fly high above the crowd. However, we do hope this particular "balloon" is full of hot air.
Welcome To Twilight Junction
Our intermittent cover story writer, H.M. Fog, spends most of his days in a place called "Twilight Junction." As he puts it, "It's a small town nestled snugly between here and there, and a little more than halfway between the way things were and the way we would like them to be. It sits in the foothills of the nearby mountains, where the commuter rail ends, and the freight line begins. It's home to a little bit of yesterday, a fair amount of today, and a few glimpses of tomorrow."
Twilight Junction has its own Macintosh controversy that's about to unfold. Have a seat and take a scenic ride to this special destination as you journey inside this month's issue.